Lonely Boy Granola




I'm down for some self-pity.  There's a blizzard, I'm alone, have been for a while, so I think it's time to let my eating issues fuck with me and cook food, then consume it.  This time it won't be bagels stuffed with unhealthy horseshit.  This time it'll be something better for me, so I can hide those problems and nourish them, without feeling like a bigger piece of garbage after consumption.

I made some granola on an especially shitty day.  There's no doubt that it made me feel better.  Then, if there's a positive reaction to this posting, or a reaction at all, I will feel even better, because I am damaged.  Enjoy this simple recipe and the ones that follow, which will rely on it.  



·        ½ C Old-Fashioned Oats

                                      Get over it, asshole!

                                     Get over it, asshole!

·        ¼ t Salt

·        1 t Shredded Coconut

·        2 t Honey

·        1 t Maple Syrup

·        1 t Olive Oil

·        1 T chopped nuts of your choice

·        1 T dried fruit of your choice

·        1 drippity drop of Vanilla Extract



·        Set oven to “Bake” and preheat to 300◦F.

·        Mix oats, salt, nuts, dried fruit and coconut together.

·        Separately, whisk olive oil, honey, maple syrup and vanilla extract.  Then mix that into the dry ingredients. 

·        Since this is a small batch, pour the mixture into a 9 inch oven-safe pan and place into the oven. 

·        After 10 minutes, stir ingredients and place back into the oven.  Do so again in another ten minutes and check to see if it’s crisp.  If the oats are still not browned, stir and place in the oven to bake another five minutes or so.  It all depends on your oven.  Just don’t burn the shit.

·        After it’s done, let it sit for 10 minutes, then remove the granola into some other vessel (you may have to scrape some off of the pan) and cool it in the fridge for 15 minutes or eat it then.